This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
she told me i tasted like america
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
