Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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