yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize