i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
