We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
