Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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