we have pet lesbian snakes
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Sorry my hands just texted you
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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