Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
