I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Buhtt sex?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
