I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
