His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
