When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
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