just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
