when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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