I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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