dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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