he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
