Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
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