thus making me awesome and them whores
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
