i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
