Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
