Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
