if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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