Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
