How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
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