Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
