i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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