I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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