I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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