dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
