connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
