Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
