TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
