You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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