I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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