My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
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