Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
