I accidentally had phone sex last night
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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