so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
