Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize