Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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