ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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