It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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