I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize