Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize