just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
