Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
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