i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
