If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Randomize
