your parents love me but you hate me
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
