STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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