Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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