The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Randomize
