i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
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