i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
