in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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