"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
