I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
