I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
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