I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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