Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Randomize